Senangnya bila nak suruh orang senaraikan apa yang dia tak suka tentang kita, siap boleh bacakan list tanpa henti sedetail-detailnya. Yes, I have flaws, I'm aware of that. Tapi bila tanya apa yang baik tentang kita, terus terdiam. Nak namakan satu benda pun tak dapat. The only answer that I will get is a long pause, errr.. Seriously am I that bad? Aku memang manusia jahat pun, hati aku mencarut-carut, tak henti-henti, tak putus-putus, tak sudah-sudah.

Dan kenapa orang anggap aku sebagai terlalu bodoh? Sebab senang nak tipu aku? Nak main-mainkan aku? Wujud ke lagi such thing as honesty? We all lie for reasons, tapi kalau dah tahap nak bodoh-bodohkan tu macam dah melampau. People said they are going to change, yet they did it again somehow. I am complaining because there's nothing else I can do, I just have no idea what to do to keep things good. Aku geram dan tak ada ape yang aku boleh buat.

You wanna hear my side of story? Setiap kali orang buat salah, I will try to look beyond their mistakes by remembering all the good things they have done. Still, though I'm giving them chances I can't easily forget what has happened. Orang senang je nak marah-marah dengan tindakan aku, cuba lah letak youself in my shoes then fikir apa agaknya korang rasa. Ha, cakap memang la senang kan, cuba rasa sendiri tengok. Agak-agak boleh tahan tak?

The fact that people only interested in our good side, or should I say they only accept us when we are happy, is killing me. Bila mana kita sedih atau marah, they deny us. Tak sanggup nak hadap muka kita bila kita sedih, tak sudi nak layan bila kita marah-marah. Kalau tak boleh nak terima diri secara total, baik tak payah langsung kan. Aku emosi merapu ni sebab takde sape aku nak luahkan, dengan segala benda aku nak pendam memang lambat la nak ok.

Aku dah tak percaya lagi dah orang kata bila buat baik dibalas baik, bila sayang dibalas sayang, bila setia dibalas setia. Ah, karutlah semua tu. Rasa dah give up, boleh tak nak kata I'm done being good. Maybe it's time for me to be.. uhm.. let me just keep the taught for my own. Kalaulah aku ni pendendam, I would have done awful things, tapi I just don't have the heart to do such things. And for one reason, aku bertahan dan pasrah. Tapi sampai bila?

Well to begin with, I'm already at home for Hari Raya. Not that anticipated though to celebrate Raya this year, only got myself a pair of Baju Melayu. This entry will not be on Raya anyway because I'm so not in the mood yet. This is definitely due to the fact that I'm not ready to be home yet but I don't wanna be all alone in Shah Alam either. Please ignore that for I am a very complicated human being.

These few days back, I've been thinking about something and I can't decide what I really want for myself. I keep trying to find an easy answer to escape from this whole thing. Despite that this is an opportunity that I will probably not gonna get it again, I have this very uneasy feeling about it. But a friend told me that I should grab this chance because if something bad were to happen, it will happen somehow.

To be honest, that doesn't really calm me down and help me with my decision but it does matter since it's not just any friend who told me that. If u got what I mean, uh never mind. And to be honest again, I'm totally writing crap right now. Gotta go before it's getting worse, night peeps!

ps: I hope I have decided what's best for me.